raya ! ^.^

weyh raya raya RAYAAAAAAAAAAAA ! hehehhehe. excited tetiba. tahun nie macam tahun-tahun lepas jugak , baju raya aku ada dua je. takda tema tapi baju tahun nie dua-dua warna nak dekat sama. biru kehijauan. eceeeehh. hahahahha. best ! tak sabar nak tunggu pagi raya. bangon je daa kena queue nak masok toilet. kalau dapat yang mandi berejam tu mahu cramp kaki berdiri kat luar. nasib baik rumah nenek ada tiga toilet. satu washroom and dua bathroom. rasanya okay laa tu. I think apa yang best for this year raya is my dearest cousin Alya nak balik kampong. nie laa last year raya dia being single. next year entah-entah daa ada anak sorang. untonglaa kahwin muda. ;) semoga berbahagia. (: SELAMAT HARI RAYA BUDDIESSSSS ! ❤

a bad dream.

I went back to sleep after I took my sahur. and I dreamt about you. I mimpi how close we were. you hugged me. you put your arms around my shoulder and I put mine around your waist. I miss that. seriously. Imissyousomuch. :'( I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to forget you. I don't know how to say goodbye to the memories that you tinggalkan. you're my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye. when I think about you , I straight away remind myself of 'dia daa ada gf. kau kena move on Ilani.' but it never work. I still ingat kat you. I remember EVERYTHING ! you hold my hand. you kissed me. you hugged me tight. I don't know how to erase that memories that are supposed to be my sweet memories. now it turns into a nightmare. I taknak ingat pasal tu. I want you to be happy with her. please. get off of my mind. I hate to say this but I think you live in my past. I'm scared of getting hurt again.

you actually makes me stronger. thank you.

Ya Allah. I can't stop thinking about him. whatever I do or whenever I'm alone , otak aku mesti pikir pasal dia. but somehow I think he actually makes me stronger. aku nangis for two days but I can still sleep well though. now , aku daa tak nangis lagi. tapi my feelings towards him is still the same. and I don't know when it's gonna change. I know I have to move on. I know I have to smile and laugh because life is too short to be sad and cried over things that's not even worth my tears. but what to do , benda ni baru jadi kan ? so aku rasa tak salah kalau aku down for this couple of weeks. but most of all , raya nak dekat ! semangat raya itu PENTING ye ? whatever it is , I'm gonna put this aside and try untuk face the reality that dia daa ada gf ! you can do this ILANI !  

ILOVEYOU IHATEYOU whatever !

tak sangka benda nie jadi kat aku. after holding on for so long hoping that one day he'll be mine , turns out dia daa ada his own choice. arghh ! Ya Allah , sentap aku. boleh pulak bawak gf dia dtg kolej. I thought that I'm strong enough to handle this feeling and get over you as soon as possible. but it seems so hard when you always popped out of my mind. I kept thinking about you. remembering everything that you did and said to me. you're such a SWEET TALKER ! well , I guess I have to go and leave you with the girl. I'll pray for your happiness. kau buatlaa apa yang kau nak. aku daa malas nak layan this kind of feeling lagi. thank you so much sebab sakitkan hati aku. bagi aku nangis. janji benda yang never gonna happen. bagi harapan palsu. and macam-macam lagi laa. terima kasih sangat-sangat. berbahagia laa kau.

you don't deserve my tears !

I don't know what do you think or feel about me actually. yes. I'm your best friend. and I think that you're my best friend too. but somehow , I can feel the sparks when we sit together side by side. when you hold my hand by the pool side. when you kissed me on my birthday. when you hugged me when I feel cold or when I'm sad. you hug me tightly and I don't feel like letting you go. 

I still remember how we get to know each other. you added me on Facebook. when I saw your request to be my friend , I didn't think twice. I approved you straight away. from that time , I can feel something already. then we started chatting almost everyday , every hour. I started to like you because of your jokes and how you put an effort to know me better. then you gave me your phone number and asked mine. I gave it to you with no worries because I know that you're a nice guy. you called me after I gave my phone number and said 'I just wanna hear your voice.' I'm so happy when you called. you care about me. I know. I can feel it. we met for the first time at college. I saw you first then I texted you. and you replied 'come out jap. I wanna see you.' so , yea. we met. for the FIRST TIME ! you're a shy guy. you didn't talk a lot. from that day , we started to meet up. the first time you hugged me was at college too. I was not feeling well at that time. and you asked me if I can give you a hug. I hugged you. but just for seconds though. then only we started to hug almost everytime we see each other. Gosh ! I miss those old good times. you said you loved me. at that time , I was startled and I feel like I was dreaming. I still remember my last year Raya , you called me for one and a half hour and we talked craps. you wasted your credits just to talk to me. when we finished talking , we continued chatting. then I pulak called you. and we talked again. I miss that moment too !

you hold my hand by the pool side. it was just two of us. you hold my hand all of a sudden. and I was surprised when you did that to me. but I just keep silent. I don't want to ruin it. you make fun of me. you tease me. and then you laughed. you said 'you're cute'.

you kissed me on my birthday. you don't want to wish me on Facebook. you said that you wanna see me in person and wish me. we met up. I gave you a slice of cake that my friends bought for me. then you said 'I don't have a birthday present. but I have a birthday kiss. can I give that to you ?' and I said yes. you kissed me in front of my whole classmates. everyone were cheering at us ! I can't forget that. it still plays on my mind. I still can feel your lips on my cheek. I still can feel the warm of your hug. I still can feel your fingers lingering with mine. but now , everything's changed. I think that we were not meant to be together. you have your own choice maybe. and I just play fool with myself. You don't belong with me. and you don't deserve my tears ! then why do I still have to cry for you ? why do I still cry when I get to know of something  about you getting up with other girl ? I hate this feeling. but Iloveyousomuch. I'll pray for you to be happy with her. and just so you know , you're still my best friend. thanks for everything.